Wonder If You Do.
by ShadowAkiyah
Summary: Spike thinks about his relationship with Buffy. Warning: Season 6 Spoilers upto Dead Things. This is my first Spike/Buffy fic, so please let me know what you think.


TITLE: Wonder If You Do. (1/1)  
  
AUTHOR: Esme  
  
EMAIL: akiyah2000@yahoo.co.uk  
  
FEEDBACK: Love it? Hate it? Please tell me.  
  
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it, take it, just let me know.  
  
SUMMARY: Spike thinks about his relationship with Buffy.  
  
SPOILERS: Season 6. Up to Dead Things.  
  
RATING: R  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy etc..  
  
NOTES: This is my first Spike/Buffy piece. Please let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is most welcome.  
  
// indicates Spike's memories.  
  
WRITTEN: 26/02/2002  
  
  
  
  
  
//"I know you'll never love me .." I say as you walk upstairs. You stop, and turn to look at me .. "I know that I'm a monster; but you treat me like a man.."//  
  
  
  
I remember that night as if it were yesterday. You invited me into your home, again, and entrusted the life of your sister to me. Why you chose me, I'll never know.. I let you down anyway.. you still died, and I didn't stop it from happening. It broke me when you left, I only stayed strong for lil' bit, never really wanted her to see how much it hurt me, but she knew, and, in a way, it gave us something to share, because we both loved you. We still do.  
  
Then you came back, and the part of me that had felt so empty, flooded over. I was elated, you could even say ecstatic, but the first thing I thought when I saw you walk down those stairs and heard your heart beating, was how lucky I was. Selfish, I know, but I was lucky.. I am lucky, because you're here, alive, and you're sharing that life with me.  
  
In a way.  
  
  
  
// "Oh, poor little lost girl. She doesn't fit in anywhere, she's got no one to love."  
  
"Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot! Poor Spikey! Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in? Your job is to kill the slayer, but all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes."  
  
"I'm in love with you." //  
  
  
  
That was the night that changed everything. The night we brought the house down! That was the night that you had me completely. All I was, was yours. When you kissed me, I wasn't that surprised.. It was either gonna be that, or another kick in the face. Then when you lowered yourself onto me, when I felt your heat, the moistness of your arousal; when you looked at me, I lost myself in you. Lost myself like I have in all the times I've dreamed of making love to you. But that wasn't love making. It was sex. Need, want, desire and longing made that happen.. not love.. at least, not on your part. Probably not on mine either.. not really. Not then.  
  
I think the closest we've ever got to making love was when you were invisible. It was perfect.. for you, anyway. Nobody had to know, and it was a good job that Xander believed that exercising bullshit, if he really did. But that was why you came to me that day. Because nobody would know, because nobody could see you, because it was safe for you to let your desire for me take over. You let it happen, because hey "If you can't see it, it's not there" right?  
  
Wrong.  
  
You proved that in the alley.  
  
  
  
// "I am not your girl!" (punch, punch, punch) "You don't ... (punch) have a soul! (punch) There is nothing good or clean in you. (punch) You are dead inside!(punch) You can't feel anything real!(punch) I could never ...(punch) be your girl!"  
  
"You always hurt ... the one you love, pet." //  
  
  
  
And I wonder if you do. Love me, that is. I know you love what I do.. what I do to your body, how I make you feel when I'm buried inside your warmth, when I match you thrust for thrust. When I lead you to completion with my fingers, my tongue.. my voice.. the things I tell you.  
  
Even though I know that I am just a need, just something to make you feel something.. anything.. I can't help but wonder if you love me. If you see some part of the man you make me feel like when I'm with you. If you love the man that you see, or hate him as much as the demon I am, the monster I am.  
  
And if you do, will I ever know? Will I ever hear you say it when you moan my name as you climax? Will you ever tell me? Or will you keep it a secret until you leave this place again, and we can no longer be together?  
  
I wonder.  
  
Because here you are, asleep in my arms, and you look at peace. You look content. And I smile, because you're here, alive, and you're sharing your life with me. And I wonder..  
  
If you do.. 


End file.
